


Uncertainty.

by Twinklylights



Series: unequivocal [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Gallavich, M/M, One Shot, Prison, post 9x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:08:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinklylights/pseuds/Twinklylights
Summary: “You know I don’t have to be here right now. I came here for you"





	Uncertainty.

Mickey had anticipated the shitty prison food and the obnoxious guards that he would be dealing with for the next two years and he was all around prepared because he knew it meant he would be there for and with Ian. He never anticipated that he would get tired of Ian.. For the first time ever, he had a cellmate that he wanted to be around and talk to. For the most part, it was a lifesaver. They had so much opportunity to get their feelings out into the open. Finally, able to talk years’ worth of shit out. There had been so many unsaid things that had caused roadblocks in their relationship but with all the time they had on their hands it was only right that they spend at least part of it doing something their future and past selves would thank them for.

Mickey wasn’t exactly much of a talker. He tended to keep most of his thoughts swarming inside of his head rather than burden others with all the inner turmoil that was constantly going on up there. Though, Mickey did enjoy talking to Ian. Ian always brought him a sense of calm and understanding that he could never feel when around anyone else. They laughed together over the smallest things and shared stories of the events that occurred during their time apart. Even with all the serenity that came with the two sharing such an intimate space, they did experience some hiccups. 

What Mickey had not anticipated was how annoying Ian actually was. Mickey knew that spending so much time in a small space with one person could eventually drive anyone up a wall, but he didn’t think that would apply to Ian. Sometimes the smallest of things would feel like the end of the world. They would both find themselves getting irritated over things that were nothing of significance.

“Stop flushing the toilet in the middle of the fucking night.”

“Your foot tapping is shaking the whole bed.”

“If you must read so loud could it at least be something interesting?”

And all those little squabbles were perfectly fine, eventually solved with a simple eye roll, middle finger and the occasional kiss on the cheek. The problem came when those little arguments escalated, and it became;

“You should have just gotten in the car, I gave you chance after chance to back out, _you know you always do”_

“And you should have wanted better for yourself than to be a fugitive in Mexico!”

“You know I don’t have to be here right now. _I came here for you_ ”

That’s the one that causes the silence to fall to overtake the small cell. In that moment the buzzer sounds, and the cell lights go out. Ian climbs to his top bunk and lays down, stiff as a board. Mickey sits upright on the bottom bunk trying to control his breathing.

That was one of the thoughts that had been swarming through his head. He never intended to say it out loud. He intended to carry the weight of _what if_ for the rest of his life. There was so much uncertainty in his life, from not knowing where his next meal would come from to always worrying his father would one day find out the truth about him. Somehow, throughout all that, he found Ian to be a constant force he couldn’t shake, no matter how hard he tried. It had taken so long but at a certain point he truly opened his heart and had convinced himself he could count on Ian. That he wanted him to stick around.  Mickey had never thought he would end up questioning what they had. But between the army, the ultimatum about his coming out, the breakup, the abandonment and everything in between he’d come to realize that Ian was in a sense another uncertainty in his life. No matter how much he didn’t want to admit that to himself.  Ian could push him away 1000 times and he would _always_ come right back. There was just something about the him. Now he lays in the bed below the redhead with a million thoughts at the forefront of his brain. A sudden noise from above shakes him out of his downward spiral

“Do you regret it?” Ian ask, barely above a whisper. He’s trying to keep his voice steady, but his vision is already getting blurry and he can feel his throat closing. He knew from the moment he turned around and saw Mickey in that cell on day one, that this was nothing short of a miracle. Ian had long ago accepted that he would probably never see Mickey again, and that was his own fault. It would be a mistake he carried with him until the end of time. Mickey had always been so willingly to give and give and give. It took not having him around for Ian to realize how much he did not deserve him.

It was a process, accepting that Mickey was there, in prison, _with_ him. The selfish parts of Ian loved that he had Mickey all to himself, whenever he wanted.  He tried to avoid thinking of the logistics of it all, the fact that Mickey had chosen to be here, instead of off on a beach somewhere. Whenever the thought had entered his mind, he tended to push it back, doing his best to ignore how this was negatively affecting Mickey. It was the arguments like this where he could not overlook the extra tension in Mickey’s shoulders and how the boy was even more on edge than normal.

Mickey still hadn’t answered, and Ian would have thought he had fallen asleep, but he could feel the bed bouncing from mickey’s foot below him.

“Nah man, I don’t regret it. I just…” He pauses. He’s already opened the flood gates and let out something he never thought he’d say to Ian out loud, he sees no point in stopping now.

“I just… I know you wouldn’t do something like this for me.”

Ian wasn’t expecting that. His face scrunches and he feels like that winds been knocked out of him. He can’t say Mickey is wrong. He hardly can admit that _he_ deserves to be here, let alone being her for _someone else’s_ wrong doing. But that’s not unreasonable. Dealing with the guards, the mandatory therapy sessions, the communal showers, none of it was a walk in the park. He takes a breath, opens his mouth and closes it immediately. He’s not sure what Mickey wants to hear right now but he knows he’s too tired to argue.

“And you don’t gotta feel bad or anything, this is just how it is.” Mickey says, swiping his thumb across his bottom lip. He feels absolutely drained, had he known saying his true feelings would cause him to feel so horrible inside, he would have just kept them to himself, like always.

The room is still silent, the only noise that can be heard is the breathing of the two boys. There’s nothing that can be said to make any of this better for the two of them. There’s always going to be this sense of inequality between them. There always has been. Growing up in the neighborhood Ian’s family always had the nicer of the torn clothes, always had enough food for everyone, had to worry about tripping over a passed-out Frank on the way out the door as opposed to a pissed off Terry with a knife in his hand. That same inequality had found its way into their relationship. Ian never had to worry about hiding who he was or what he liked. Half the neighborhood knew he was gay, and he couldn’t have cared less. Mickey always had to hide that part of him and had to fear anyone but Ian knowing such an intimate part of him. Once Mickey had come out and things were out in the open for the two of them, Mickey thought the playing field had been leveled, he did what Ian wanted, everyone’s cards were on the table. Still there was this ever-present sense of him pulling more weight than Ian. He always felt like he was the one fighting for the relationship, fighting to be enough, fighting for them both to be _okay_.  Here he was once again, putting himself on the line.

“I didn’t ask you to do this” Ian breaks the silence. His tone is bitter, and he feels like he’s ready to explode. “I did not ask you to go to prison with me”. He’s a little offended at what Mickey’s implying. He wouldn’t ask Mickey to do something like this and Mickey shouldn’t expect him to give up his freedom for him.

Mickey takes a breath. He’s really not trying to fight with Ian, and he’s given up fighting with fate that seems so adamant on keeping them together.

“Ian…you don’t gotta ask.” He blows out a breath through his nose “you never have to ask.”

The silence falls over them both again and they start to wonder where this leaves them. There’s some animosity there and they both can feel it, in the air of the small cell. As much as they love each other, its times like this when they wonder if it’s all worth it in the end. They’ll never say it out loud, but its unknowingly crossed both of their minds throughout the relationship. Ian is someone that Mickey can’t shake no matter how much he tries. Mickey is the center that Ian needs in his life. Ian will never know who or what keeps bringing them together all these times. But he knows He owes them an infinite amount of gratitude. He feels his eyes start to burn with exhaustion and he’s ready to fall asleep at any moment. There’s a final question on the tip of his tongue. With all the blatant honesty they’ve got going on tonight, he figures there is no harm in asking.

“why me?”

There many guys in the world, not as fucked up as him, from a family actually worth something, so many guys that could offer mickey so much more. They haven’t talked about it much, but Ian knows that Mickey’s had partners in Mexico and from the small smile that would find it’s way onto his lips whenever he talked about _Aden,_ he knows some of them must have meant something to Mickey. He questions why Mickey would give that up to be here with him in an 8x10 cell.

The question surprises Mickey. He has been asking himself the same thing throughout the years. There’s something about this redhead with freckles that he couldn’t see himself without. Something that made him want to call Ian whenever he had a good day , want to be held by him when things were falling apart ,something about Ian that kept him coming back time and time again. He would never place his finger on it, but he knew that it was something he’d didn’t want to let go off. No matter what life threw at them, he knew he would always end up right back and Ian’s side.  He laughs to himself before answering

“I don’t know Gallagher … I just don’t know.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was in full Ian-Anti mode when I write this whoooops ;)
> 
> [Follow me on twitter for tweets about Mick!!!](https://twitter.com/twinklylightss)


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